Rein in the Clowns

WARNING: Parents, there be funny business ahead!


Bakers, will someone please get a handle on these clown cakes?

"Woo woo woo!"

Wait. Let me rephrase that.

What I mean is, I'm seeing a lot of funny business lately...

Don't tell me this candle placement wasn't intentional.

(But do feel free to share a burning pee joke. That'd be hilarious.)

...and at some point we just have to ask SWEET MERCY WHAT IS THAT CLOWN DOING?!

Keep it up, Chuckles, and someday you'll be juggling one less dancing dog, if you catch my drift. (You know, tripping the blue elephant? Cooling the cream pie? Honking the big shoe?)

Hey, Bozo! Get those hands where I can see 'em!

Look, I'm all for romance, but did the Wizard display teach us nothing?

And I'm not sure these censor dots are the solution, either:

Though I suppose it does beat the alternative. [shudder]

Thanks to Dominique G., Jeny F., Kara P., Ibo, Melanie T., & Robin M., who are, suspiciously, all smiles.

Hoo-Wheee!

Last one, I promise.

Is it just me, or does something seem a little off about this King Cake?

Then again, I guess that is where you'd expect to find a baby.

Thanks to Britney L., who thinks this labor of love is a real crowning achievement.

Twins' Night Out

[singing]

From a distance,
You look liiiike some boobs,

Even though I know you're not.

From a distance,
How could I eeeeaaaeeever choose,
A sleeping jughead tot?

From a distance,
We've all had enough,

And this won't be allowed to stand.
And there is no way - no how
That you cannot seeeee!
Big frosted tracts of land.

Thanks to Gina C., who would like to remind bakers that God is watching us.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

How long will it take you to spot it?

Thanks to Liz T., who says this is why you never order Valentine cookies from a baker who's recently been dumped. (True story.)

Open Mouth, Insert... Shoe?

Thanks to Richard, who knows better than to stick his nose in a lady's business.

Her cake business, I mean.

That is, her shoe cake business.

Um...er... Yeah.


So, how 'bout them camera angles?

Update: We had to host today's photo on Photobucket which means some of you can't see it. Sorry about that. We'll be back to our regular host tomorrow. -john

Redefining the Turkey Breast

Warning!: The title is extremely appropriate.



YOU GUYS.

Check out this great rack!

I hear under wire support really is the best.

While it's tempting to milk these wrecks for all they're worth, I've decided to nip the puns in the bud with a more uplifting approach. After all, I'd rather bust a move than mend a pillow, you know? Or knock the highbeams off a Winnabago than scale the Grand Tetons. Or torpedo a honker than plant a My Little Pony. You feel me?

(Now, aren't you glad I got that off my chest?)

Ta-ta for now!

Thanks to Katie N. who makes two excellent points.

It's About Standards

Warning: Juvenile ding-a-ling humor ahead.

A long time ago, I (this is John, btw) brought a picture of the famous sexual harassment cake to our local bakery, to see if the Nice Older Ladies there would recreate it for a party.

The encounter went something like this:

Me: [handing over picture] "Hi there! I was wondering if you could make a cake like this for me."

Nice Older Lady: [looking at picture] "Uh..." [gasping in horror] [looking at me as though I was a dirty, demon-possessed pervert] "No."

Me: [embarrassed] "Oh, well, the cake is saying that kind of behavior is bad. See, that's what the big 'NO' sign means." [smiling innocently]

Nice Older Lady: [flagging down Nice Older Manager Lady]

Nice Older Manager Lady: [looking at picture] [calling security] [writing down my physical description in a big red book] [smiling thinly] "I'm sorry, sir. We don't put smut on cakes."


So, sure, that was embarrassing, and now I can't shop for croissants without being shadowed by Billy the stock boy, but the good news is that bakeries have a line, and one that will not be crossed. Which is a relief, because otherwise these cakes might have had me worried.

Bazinga.

Fortunately there's nothing suggestive about balls or bases or long wooden...

Oh.

Wait.

It's a basketball court.

Riiiiiight.

Oh what a tangled web we weave,

When first we...

Spidey! Stop that!

Didn't your parents ever tell you you'll go blind?

Now this is some crotch rocket:

Looks like it'll be flying under a full moon, too. [bah dum cha!]

Thanks Elisabeth M., Anony M., Laura E., Josef V., & Bethany P. Oh, and hey, could you pick me up some croissants?

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

It's a "Pear Tree."

Being unveiled.

Ok, maybe it IS what you think. Never mind.

Many thanks to Diana M., who tells me that "pear tree" is a bronze sculpture in Canada. Of a pear. So get your minds out of the gutter. There's barely enough room in here for mine.

Fairy Tale Endings

WARNING: Today's post is not family friendly, on account of it being a little TOO "family friendly." IF you knowwuddamean.

Ah, children. So innocent. So sweet.

So blissfully unaware of how much their castle cakes look like a gaggle of man cannons.

I believe this is from the Netherlands. (Eh? Eh?)

Oh, oh! OR, if it were in Troy, then this would be a TROJAN castle.
(Get it? See what I did there? BOOYA.)


I'd say this customer got royally shafted:

[Zing!]

I mean, just look at that top tower: totally cockeyed!

[Pow! Zam! Whap!]


Still, this next castle cake really can't be beat:

[Sha-ZAM!]

Yep, that's some stiff competition, right there. Definitely has the upper hand.

[Rat-a-tat-tat! BzzzING! Ker-PLUEY! Eckie Eckie Eckie Eckie piTANG RoooBoing ezrowsurh]

Lauri, Lisa M., & Sarah H., they say "a man's home is his castle."

Frankly, I can't top that.

Also, 3 geek points if you correctly ID the Eckie Eckie line.

The Men of Marvel

Note: This post is not appropriate for young children. And the older ones will be all, "Ooooohh! I'm gonna tell DADDY!!" so you might lock them out, too.



Spiderman's dirty little secret revealed:

Now that's a Dynamic Duo.

Here's one of the lesser-known heroes, Essenem Man:

He may not be much of a fighter, but he is always on the ball.

GRRAAA!! HULK TENSE!!

HULK TRY RELIEVE TENSION.

The good news: little Ryder had no idea why his mom was in such a hurry to cut the cake.

The bad news: everyone else at the party did.

Liz D., Kristen C., Mark F., & Rebecca J., I would tell you who my favorite superhero is, but I'm afraid it's a three-way tie.

Note: If you're wondering, the second cake is supposed to be Batman. Obviously.

Nothing To See Here

Parental Note: This post contains extreme childishness not at all appropriate for children.

Move along.

He blinded me with...science.

Who's up for a snowball fight?

(I can't tell if the middle guy is volunteering or flipping me off.)

A pink bowling pin + a pair of bowling balls = everyone's mind in the gutter.

The Force is strong with this one.

Who needs third base?

Gee, these bones look a little dry. Do you suppose the grill chef is a master baster?

Carrie, Meg N., Tracy, Melanie V., Carrie G., & Amy L., I hear it relieves tension.

Grilling. I'm talking about grilling.

Getting a Bad Vibe Here...

Attn Parents: This post is not appropriate for young children. Or adults, really, but I won't tell if you won't.


Since I know you're curious about the behind-the-scenes workings here at Cake Wrecks, I thought I'd provide you with the actual dialogue between me and John while discussing a cake.

This cake:

Ready? Here goes.

Me: [calling to other room] "Hey, you don't know any vibrator puns, do you?"

John: [crossing the distance in approximately .7 seconds] "What are you working on?"

Me: "Oh, it's this one. I've got the 'bad vibe' thing going for the title, but now I'm at a loss. What else do you call these things? Do you know any euphemisms?"

John: [staring] "What's it supposed to be?"

Me: "Beats me. It just looks like a giant pink finger."

[both of us pause]

Me: "Hey, I bet that's one."

John: [unable to speak due to laughter]

John: [getting his breath back] "You HAVE to write this down."


Annnnd that's about it. By the way, I feel this is an excellent time to mention that, yes indeedy, we actually get paid now to do this. Living' the dream, people. We're livin' the dream.

Oh, and neither Lis B. nor I have any idea what that cake is supposed to be. However, since it was in the "kids cakes" gallery on the bakery's website I'm guessing it's probably some perfectly innocent character from a cartoon or something. No doubt many of you are preparing to point this out in the comments, too, so that the rest of us look like pervy malcontents. So, you know, I've got that to look forward to.

Livin' the dream, man. Livin'. The. Dream.

- Related Wreckage: Funny Business

Easter Indiscretions

NOTE: Mildly suggestive material ahead. Parents, please pre-read.

Today's cakes were sent in by a mister Seymour B.

(Ok, no they weren't, but that joke makes me snort.)

If your first thought upon seeing this cake was, "Look! A hidden Mickey!" then I want - no, need - to be your friend.

You know a Wreck is bad when calling it a "butt" is erring on the side of generosity:

Aaaagghh!!
Where's the rest of him?

(Just look at that foot angle. C'mon.)

No butts here, (except this one ->) but I think someone took "Playboy Bunny" a little too literally:

And right out in public, too. Tsk, tsk.

And finally, there's this thing:

Right now you're probably wondering if this is a bird or a bunny. In a few more seconds, though, you're going to notice how, er, ballsy the Wreckerator was with the design. Next you'll note the unfortunate placement of all that hair. Then the use of the color blue. And finally, you'll have an uncontrollable urge to e-mail this link to all of your friends and family - except Uncle Fred. (Fred's such a killjoy.)

Then, when I snap my fingers, you'll want to go to the nearest tattoo parlor and get "Cake Wrecks Rocks!" inscribed somewhere really obvious on your body. Ready? Annnnd...[snapping fingers]

Hey Becca, Kelly F., Anna C., & Alison R., ever consider permanent body art? Yes? Excellent.

- Related Wreckage: An Easterly Wind is Blowing

Wedding Day Jitterbugs

Uh, guys? Somebody might want to call an exterminator.

Why?

Well, you know those "crawfish" on the wedding cake?

(Photo taken down at the request of the baker. Please enjoy this lovely photo of Epcot.)

Yeeeah. They're looking a bit more like cockroaches.

Amanda L., those cockroaches look a lot more like cockroaches than any other cockroaches I have ever seen.

Cockroachescockroachescockroaches....


Related Wreckage: Wedding Day Advice

Clean-Up on Aisle 12

Parental Note: Today's Wreck may expand your child's vocabulary in some unsavory ways.


When Steve S.'s coworker received a transfer to a different branch, the store decided to get the coworker a going-away cake. The inscription was your typical "You make our store better!" kind of thing.

Now, normally this wouldn't be a problem, no matter how badly the Wreckerator mangles the inscription.

But then, normally the company in question is NOT BJ's Wholesale Club.



Which, naturally, someone chose to abbreviate.

Lunch break just got awkward.

I would like to point out that Steve submitted this Wreck because "better" looks like "bitter" - and he thought that was funnily appropriate. And it is, but clearly Steve's mind did not go to the gutter where the rest of ours are. (More's the pity.)



- Related Wreckage: Marcus and the New Job

Conditions Froggy

I know a lot of people like frogs. Heck, even I think the bright green fella who hangs out on my front door is adorable. (Until he starts jumping in my direction, of course. Then he turns into a slimy hell beast who leaves me no choice but to climb shrieking onto John's shoulders to escape the "hop zone.")

Still, I don't really get the whole frog cake thing. Other than my front door buddy, the only other close encounter I've had with a frog was in 7th grade biology, and that one smelled anything but appetizing.

You could argue, and rightly so, that cakes in the shapes of animals are nothing new, so why am I picking on frog cakes?

Well, geez, man, just look at this thing:

He's mean, green, shaped like a tureen, and lookin' mighty PO'd about his toe issues.

(In his defense, those are some serious toe issues. Ouch.)


How's this for a scrumptious specimen?

Wow. PETA could use this guy in an anti-frog legs campaign. How could you possibly cut into that poor, terrified visage? Leave him and his splatted fly tongue alone, you heartless cake murderer!

At least this guy looks happy:

I'm guessing he's proud as punch of that funny little limb beard. Or has his chin sprung a leak?

Here's a sultry little number in honor of Valentine's Day:

This amorous amphibian is ready for romance!
And maybe some Visine, since her eyeballs appear to be on fire.

Also for Valentine's, here's a princely gem:

Or should I say princely jewels? (HEYO!!)

Bakers, seriously, I'm all for maximizing your cookie cutter designs, but using that cutter for frogs is, frankly, quite a leap.


Alden M., Casie G., Sharon P., Lauren M., Vanessa H., & Lynelle R., you think it's cold in that display case? Just wondering.

- Related Wreckage: So What Happens If You EAT the Frog?

Isn't It Ironic? Don't Ya Think?

I guess there wasn't room to add "In Math."


*headdesk*

Take heart, Peter; you only have to turn one once.

Amy M., Aliesha K., & Melissa M., this is like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. Only, you know, in an ironic kind of way.

- Related Wreckage: Sweet, Sweet Irony

Funny Business

NOTE: Getteth thine kiddies hence! (Translation: today's post is not for the youngun's!)

These clowns seem pretty excited about their cupcakes.

No, I mean really excited.

No, no. I mean REALLY excited.

"Oh! Uh. Hi, guys. Heheh. So, what's up?

"What are we doing? Who - us? Uh...nothing? Yeah, nothing. Nothing at all. Sooo....yeah. Listen, can you close that door again on your way out? And turn the Jimmy Buffett CD back on? Thanks. Yeah. You, too. Ok, then. Bye!"

"So I says to her, 'hey, baby, don't let the tiny clown car fool you; it's not the way you throw the cream pie, it's the way you put the tutu on the dog!' And she was all, 'What?' and I was like, 'never mind.' Yeah."


And then, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

Something like this comes along:

Whatever you do, DO NOT click on this picture to see it full size. Srsly. Don't do it.

[whistling]



Ok, now that you've clicked on the picture to see it full size - care to join me in a "I could've gone my whole life without seeing clown tinkle toys" scream? Groovy.

AAAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!

Keith R., Will B., Jane O., Amy F., & Nicole V., I nominate "tinkle toys" as the new clown-bits euphemism for 2010. Any seconds?

- Related Wreckage: Coulrophobia Cakes

Note: The tinkle toys in the last picture were supposed to be buttons. Pink buttons.