What Would Your Mother Say?

Because brunch isn't over 'til Mom asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Hideous butterfly cake: $9.99
Download of Christina Aguilera's single, "Beautiful": $1.29
Convincing mom you weren't being sarcastic: Dinner at Red Lobster and three years of guilt.

So which is it? "I'm Love you Mom," or "I'm Love Mom?"
DANGIT, MAN, WE NEED TO KNOW.

I like to think this one was inspired by Isaac Asimov:

The first law of moms: A mom may not injure her child or, through inaction, allow her child to come to harm. No matter how many times said child asks to go to the bathroom.

(And if you got that joke, you may now award yourself 15 geek points.)

Like they always say, "If Mather ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy."

Bringing all of her concentration and communication skills to bear, Jean was finally able to place the apostrophe correctly.

So, hey, that's something.

One thing you can always count on: moms will always love their kid's artwork. Always.

Ok, so maybe this one could use a few more plastic butterflies.

And finally, while I appreciate a good multi-use cake pan as much as the next dessert addict, I'm not sure it sends the most appropriate message on Mom's special day to give her the finger:

The string is to remind you of your proctologist's appointment later this week.

'Cuz, hey, even #1 Moms have to go #2!

Thanks to wreckporters Jody G., Meg G., Adriel H., Suzanna P., Laura H., & Anony M., who think that last cake is a real nail-biter.

Mom Gets the Last Word

There are so many ways to tell your mom what she means to you.

And after yesterday, now we know all the wrong ones.

"Of all the moms out there, you are definitely one of them."


Oh, sorry, did you want a number sign?

Nooo problem.


Yep, whether it was a misspelling...

Lovly.


... a "buy-a-vowel" special...

"I think I'll spin again, Pat."


...or even a biologically inaccurate euphemism...

Hush, Dad. Today Mom gets all the credit.

...our bakeries really plumbed the depths of mother's day messes this year.

In fact, I have lots more where those came from. So brace yourselves, wreckies:

'Cuz Mothday Day is just getting started over here. Woot woot!

Thanks to Beth I., Jeanie P., Misty Y., Allison C., Mollie B., & Alyssa H. for finding Mom's very own Falker Satherhood.

I'll Drink to That!

HAPPY MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

Woohoo! Way to get all independent and stuff, Mexico!

(Pass the Corona.)

Wait. What? It's *not* Mexican Independence Day? But it makes so much sense: we have 4th of July, they have 5 of Mayo - it's perfect! And we can drink to that!

Well, fine.

HAPPY EDIBLE SOMBRERO DAY!!

Yes, it's a sombrero. Trust me.

So are these:

Lovely little piles of...sombreros.

And this:

We just need to keep drinking until they make sense!

(Pass the Corona.)

Hmm? What's that? I still don't have it right? UG. Fine.

[consulting Wikipedia]

A-HA! Here we go. Sorry about the previous confusion, guys.

HAPPY "EAT A MEXICAN" DAY!!

Whoah. If ever a cake needed beer goggles...

But wait, there's more!

And more...

And more...

And lots, lots more:

Plus another sombrero. Huzzah.


NOW can we head to the bar?

I think I need a drink.

Thanks to Andrea E., Selana, Danielle H., Mary H., Lauren R., Ashley A., Anony M., Melanie, & Sarah D., who think we should always celebrate cultural diversity with cake head effigies and 2-for-1 happy hours.


Notes from john: Just a couple of things to remember-
1. Mexican Independence Day is September 16th.
2. We didn't make the cakes.
3. Thank you.

Paper View

Edible paper. Edible paper. EDIBLE PAPER!! Amaze your friends! Astound your coworkers! All you need is...EDIBLE PAPER!!!

(The following message is brought to you by the National Board of Edible Paper and Non-edible Babies.)

Hey there, baker! Lonely sheet cakes got ya down?

[defeated trombone slide]

No worries. Now you can turn this:

"Boo! That's so BORING and PHOTOLESS!"

...Into THIS!

"Wow! Is that paper? That you can EAT??"

Yes, it is! And now your bakery can make literally trillions of dollars with a little help from this fabulous product, known as...

EDIBLE PAPER!!!

With Edible Paper (and our conveniently included vehicle clip-art starter pack), you can...

Cut costs!

---What better, more cost effective way is there to celebrate a bride-to-be's journey than with...

...recreational vehicle clip-art?

With a few roses and a stick figure bride, this shower cake is ready to roll!

Save time!

---Why waste precious hours fumbling with piping bags when it takes only a second to hit "Print?"

And it's still just as meaningful.

It's EASY!

---No artistic talent? No problem!! Hearts are difficult to draw, but an edible hearse is just a keystroke away!

Death becomes it!

Yes, with Edible Paper, you are only limited by your Imagination*!

*Imagination clip-art packs sold separately.

Now, don't put away that "Eternal Rest" photo pack just yet; when a customer asks you to "just make it nice ," it's really your time to shine!

You can rest in peace knowing your customer is happy.

Do you love fried chicken? I mean, LOVE love it? But not so much that you want to eat anything that actually tastes like fried chicken? Then you're in luck!

It's finger lickin' great!

Edible Paper!
EDIBLE PAPER!
EDIBLE PAPER!!!

Edible Paper. Transforming your baby shower cakes from this...

Into this:

You're welcome.

Thanks to Susan H., Liana E., Nathan S., Dana H., Taryn, Kerry M., Adam D., Wendy M., Mollie B., who think these cakes look pretty tearable.

Passover These Wrecks

During the celebration of Passover, it's traditional for participants to avoid all types of leavening, like yeast. In fact, you could say this is one of the most important, key features of the entire celebration.

So maybe someone should tell these bakers.

Let's hope it ages well.

Now, before I start an Epcot here: yes, there *are* flour-less Passover cakes and pastries.

But I'm pretty sure this isn't one of them:

And if there's time, Google "Passover."

And then return that Wonders of the Pyramids gift book.

During Passover there is a special dinner called the Seder, which is used to recount the Exodus story and teach the younger generations. It is very Jewish. By which I mean, if you're *not* Jewish, or of the Jewish faith, then you're probably not celebrating the Seder. And, at least to my knowledge, there are no Buddhist Seders or New Age Seders or Ed Hardy Seders; Jews pretty much have a corner on the Seder market.

Why do I bring this up?

Well...

Yeeeah.

Hey, is this like wishing someone a "Merry Christian Lent"?

'Cuz I'm totally doing that now.

(Although, all things being equal, maybe I should write it on a chocolate bar.)

Thanks to today's Wreckporters Evelyn G., Amy K., & Alana M. for getting a rise out of these Wrecks.

Update from john: [rubbing temples] To those of you currently chilling in the Epcot Bunker™, yes, anyone can make a lovely Seder. Apparently there are [insert comment count here] non-Jews doing so.

It's still Jewish.

That is all.

Through Sick and Gin

They say you never appreciate your health and home until you're eight hundred miles away from home hacking up a proverbial lung in a not-so-proverbial Microtel with suspicious sheets and a broken A/C unit.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Who are these mysterious "they?" And how do they gain their all-encompassing knowledge? And what, exactly, do sheets have to be suspicious OF?

(Have I mentioned yet that I've been taking a lot of Robitussin? No? Excellent.)

And so, in conclusion, I'm writing myself a Get Well post from all of you. Because I know you care. And I probably won't remember any of this tomorrow anyway. (Another hot toddy? Don't mind if I do!)

Meth? Why, yeth, thith cake ITH a "meth."

Actually it's "Jen."
And hey, I'm right here!
I mean, just because someone is humming the theme song to 2001 while rocking a doll made entirely of used Kleenex doesn't mean she can't hear you.

(Daaaa. Daaaa...DAA DUMMM!!)

Now, maybe this is that last Airborne margarita talking, or the honey-soaked onions, or the Vick's vapor rub squishing between my toes, but... is that a sick Bilbo Baggins wishing me a happy birthday?

(You know, this guy?)

'Cuz I gotta be honest: The implied comparison here isn't making me feel any better.

(For that matter, neither are the Dr. Pepper enemas.)

(In fact, I'm starting to wonder if some of these anonymous chat room doctors might not be entirely trustworthy.)

Well, maybe a nice cookie cake will distract me from all the yucky parts of being sick.

Whoah, whoah, whoah! What's with the needle? Is this some kind of threat? What ever happened to teddy bears and flowers?

Well, I'm pretty sure that's a daisy.

So I guess that's one long shot that paid off in the end.

(Think it's solid buttercream?)

(And syringe cakes: do they really *need* a point?)

('Cuz I'd say that cheeky baker really injected some fun into his bottom line!)

(Something something spankin' new rear view mirror. Or something.)

Aaaand that's a bum wrap.

Thanks to honey buns Ethan O., Joe A., Katy D., Alyssa R., & Laura R. Now, someone pass me the ginger peel gin, will you? I have a sinus spray to make.

The Incredible, Non-Edible, Plastic Clown Head

It's time to talk about the most versatile tool in a baker's cake-decorating arsenal:

The plastic clown head.

Devotees of the Wilton brand know this staple of cakey flotsam has a long and colorful history:

A history made even more colorful when the clown-headed pink dog is pooping a giant pink rose.

(So, in his defense, this clown's poop really does smell like roses.)


Over the years, the plastic clown heads have really gotten around:


And around...


And...around:


After all, they were so darn versatile!

I mean, what better way to perk up your flowers?


Or add a lively accent to that jungle theme?

Think of it as Bozo's version of Easter Island.

In fact, this time honored tradition continues today, only with slightly more modern sensibilities:

Death becomes him.

And the sprinkles aren't bad, either.


Yep, you could say today's Wreckerator knows just how to take these classic tools of the trade and use them to their fullest and most meaningful...uh...

I'm sorry, but do these uteri look funny to you?

Hey! Guys! What are you doing here? Your post was last week!

Ovary funny: don't try cramping my style, funny guys. I know a fellow peon's pro creation when I see one, period.

Many thanks to wreckporters Katie C., C.B., Hannah C., Penny H., Roisin O., Erica H., Meaghan W., & Melissa M., who think you should really read that last line out loud. Just...'cuz.