Off By a Hare

Ok, bunny cakes! This is your week to shine.

HIT IT!

Um...

Very attractive.

(Get it? 'Cuz it's shaped like a magnet? Eh? EH??)

But seriously, that's terrible.

Oh COME ON.



You're joking, right?

And this is just cheating.

Badly.

What the...?


A sunburned mouse? Really?


Look, maybe you should just go back to cheating.

'Cuz this is getting disturbing. [shudder]

Those eyes are staring into my soul.

Hold me.


C'mon, bakers, you can do better than this! Let's try for a big finish, eh? Ready? Aaaaand....

GO!

AAAAAAIIIIEEEE!!

Hey Krissy B., Kim V., Caroline C., Emily, Sarah E., Liz P., Reva P., Emily W., Mary, Danielle G., & Rachel C.: can any of you FIND meeeeee... some bunny to love?

Fooled You!

If you're still trying to find that pesky paperclip in the photocopier, odds are you've forgotten today is April Fools' Day. Yep, this patron holiday of practical jokers everywhere can sometimes get a bad rap, which is why we've decided to focus on the good gags: the cakes you'd never guess were cake.

BEHOLD!!!

Wow. Alfredo noodles and pink icing have never looked more pizza-like. NEVER.

Prepare to purse your lips...

...in amazement. Leggo my LEGO!

'Cuz that's what this is: LEGO. Not that I have to tell you that, of course. I mean, it's so obvious.

We should break out the champagne for this next one:

'Cuz that bottle of vino is smokin'! Kind of like a cigar would smoke. If it weren't actually a bottle of wine. Let's give a well-deserved tip of the hat to this groom's cake:

So realistic, it's like magic. Yessir, that cake is TOPS. Something something white rabbit.

(Did you get it yet? I'm running out of hints.)

And finally, there's a story that Giotto proved his skill to the Pope by painting a single perfect circle.

This is kind of like that. In a more base manner.

I'm sure Wreckporters Kimberly C., Sondra D., Fabiola G., Lu, Georgia F., Miles J., and Katherine L. would like to join me in saying: Happy Birthday, Ben! Because I never pass up an opportunity to tell the world that my big brother was born on April Fools' Day.

Guess What!

It's time to play everyone's favorite game:

What...Is...THIS??

Hm. Well, it says, "Princess," and there's a scepter and a tiara on it.

So I'm going with "uterus."


Uh...

Also "uterus."


"Uterus on LSD."


"Uterus with sprinkles"


"This is getting ridiculous."


And finally, today's bonus round is in the bag:

The magic baby bag.

Awww yeeeeeah.

Hey, Mandi B., Elizabeth A., Vicktoria R., Caitlin & Anthony, Kelly J., & Shayna S., you know how to politely refuse a uterus cake, right? "Thanks, but I gestate."

Bridal Terrors

A lot of brides like to give their bakers a photo of their dream wedding cake, in the hopes that they might, in fact, get a cake that looks at least vaguely similar.

However, as you long-time readers know, this can be a lot like asking Francois the painting ferret* to whip you up a quick Mona Lisa. Some of the colors might be right, but in the end it's probably gonna be covered in fur and little poo nuggets. (The painting, that is, not the cake.) (We hope.)

For example:

Amanda C. asked for this, only in white and with a C:

And, in the baker's defense...

...that is most definitely a C.


Jei gave this picture to the head "chef" at a "luxury" beach "resort":

And she got...this:

I can't decide which is classier: the oozing cake or those water bottles.

Do you think the bride had to spring for those? [chortle]

Candice F. wanted this mushroom cake:

And her baker's interpretation?

Aw, those Alaska bakers: such fun guys.

Joanne and Elena wanted this stunner for their wedding:

And, to be fair, what they got did leave them stunned:

I would ask what happened to the flowers, but those squiggles have left me speechless.

And finally, Christie D. wanted her cake to look just like this, only with silver ribbon:

Pretty simple, right?

Well, here's an interesting factoid: did you know that "silver ribbon" can be translated as "duct tape"* in some bakeries? It's true. Here's proof:

That's "35 years of experience" right there.

So I'd hate to see what only two decades' worth would look like.

Thanks to brides Amanda C., Jei, Candice F., Joanne & Elena C., and Christie D. for making me feel better about my $80 Publix wedding cake.


*Note: Not actual duct tape. Duct tape is prettier.

*Update from john: Loyal Wrecky Henchperson Shannon S. sent in this helpful illustration:

Quick! Somebody give me a clever ferret pun!
(I love my job)

Fill Me Up, Buttercup.

The great thing about cake is you can make it look like anything. Dead rat? No problem! Broken toe? Gimmie an hour! Dong cake? You want that in chocolate, red velvet, or Funfetti?

The only problem is that many decorators just don't have the "skillz" necessary to pull off a really good dong cake. [smirk] So instead, they make their cakes look like popcorn.

(For what it's worth, that segue made more sense in my head.)

Now, bakers, the first thing to do when making a popcorn cake - and this is very important - is to try to make a cake that looks like popcorn.

Or maybe just label it "popcorn."

As useful as labeling can be, though, there are still times when you want your popcorn cake to kind of look a little bit like actual popcorn:

So I guess this is not one of those times.


Really, though, I think you can do a little better than that. Go on! Give it a try.

Um. Well, I've never seen beige popcorn before...

Maybe you could try for a more "buttery yellow?"

Too much! TOO MUCH!


Those appear to be Bugles.


Cheetos. Definitely Cheetos.

And that's the back of this guy's head:

Ok, obviously this isn't working. Tell you what, bakers: why don't we try something a little more... drastic?

A-ha! Success!

So the moral is: when you can't figure out how to make something in icing, just put the real thing on there instead!


Although I wouldn't suggest it with the Dong cake.


The health inspectors might complain.



Thanks to John B., Mia & Trinh, Melissa S., Dolly N., Chelsea E., Miles J., Amy S., & John M., who think all popcorn should come with a side of icing. Yeah. Just imagine all that soggy, salty, greasy goodness! Mmmmmmmhurk.

Shamrocks? How About ShamPOOS?

AHAHAHAHAAA!!

Ew.

Those almost make me long for the days of anthropomorphized, lumpy-armed clover characters.

Almost.


Ok, I think it's time we addressed the elephant in the room, guys.

Otherwise he'll just keep trampling on all the shamrocks.


Besides, maybe he'll remember what one looks like.

Nooo...

Not quite...

Egads! A pox upon thine cake!


Hey, you know what it is? I think I figured it out: the bakers just need a base of reference! A small photo, perhaps, or some shamrock-shaped things, perhaps made out of plastic...

Oh.

Never mind.

Psst. Feelin' "lucky," punk?

'Cuz with fronds like those, you've definitely got anemones.

Thanks to Trina D., Michele T., Cara H., Alena C., Sara, Coreena N., Nell B., Robin, and also the elephant in the room, who, when confronted with today's wrecks, offered this insightful commentary:

via Chicago Tribune

We hear ya, dude.