King Me

So there's this traditional Mardi Gras dessert called the King Cake, and it's, well...

Yeah. Like that.

Now, the fun part of the King Cake is that there's a baby in it.

Not a REAL baby, of course; that would be edible.

No, this is a tiny, plastic, inedible baby (a la carrot jockey) hidden inside the doughy goodness. The person who cracks a molar on said non-edible baby is King or Queen for the day, and traditionally is required to make next year's deep-fried baby fritter.

If that's you, then here's what you need to make a proper King Cake:

- (1) giant donut
- Melted white icing
- (1) ton each of gold, green, and purple sprinkles
- (1) baby, non-edible

As I'm sure you can imagine with an ingredient list like that, it's pretty much impossible to mess this up.

"Mardi Gras": French for "nutritional elegance."

Traditionally speaking, the King Cake is not the most pleasing thing to look at. In fact, if your King Cake is a hideous blob of slime and sprinkles, then, congratulations! You nailed it!

Of course, some bakers do try to hide the hideousness with beads, coins, and any other shiny objects they have lying around:

Cake? What cake? Ooooh, look! Shiiiiiiiny.

Others change the tradition all together:

"I dunno...if it isn't a giant, sugar-coated, deep-fried doughnut with a plastic trinket inside, it just starts to look a little ridiculous."

And, given our sue-happy world, bakers do have to make sure customers are aware of the non-edible baby choking hazard:

You have my attention.

Still, there's gotta be a better way to warn folks there's a non-edible baby baked into the cake, right? You know, something a little more self-explanatory? Something that just screams, hey, buddy, there's a non-edible baby in this cake!

That works.

Remember, the King Cake was originally created as a treat to enjoy before Lent, when many people give up their favorite foods or sweets for 40 days.

So this oughta hold you for the first week or two.

Thanks to Anony M., Brinn M., Brooke S., Marcia T., Chastity B., Kelley H., Brandon H., Lauren, & Kiki, who think Fat Tuesday just got a little skinnier.


UPDATE: Whatever you do, DO NOT venture into the comments today. Our EPCOT threat level is at RED, people. RED! Run away! Don't look back! And whatever you do, DO NOT SAY A KING CAKE IS DEEP-FRIED! OR CAJUN! OR TASTES BAD!

[Kermit flail] AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!

Wreck Reaction

Guys, I think the Wreckerators are on to us.


Yep, while we've been focusing on all the actual *cake* wrecks, bakers have been industriously wrecking just about every other item in the bakery, and then some.

How else can you explain "The Brownie Ball?"

It's a giant ball of icing with brownies stuck in it.

I kid thee not.

Now, do I want to eat this?
Of course I do.
Does that make it excusable?
No, it does not.

Hey, just because *I* don't have any self-respect doesn't mean bakers shouldn't.



Or, if you prefer your giant ball of icing rolled in sprinkles and served on a cookie platter:

Perfect for the children of someone you hate.

It's not all sugar and sprinkles, though. Hoooo no. See, unfortunately, the deli guys decided to get in on the "decorating" action, too.

BEHOLD!

Billy Bear Bologna:

And you thought nothing could make chicken mcnuggets look healthy.


The world's cheesiest gingerbread man:

"Oh noooo!"

Yes, that's really a cheese "ball." Decorated with icing.
Because cheddar & buttercream = Gouda upchuckin' fun!

And finally, for that perfect Beetlejuice-inspired treat...

Pineapple upside down shrimp "cake:"

SWEET MERCY I THINK ONE JUST MOVED.

Hey Amanda, Erin M., Zoe R., Nicole B., & Brittany B., daylight come and me wan' go home.


[Update: the final "cake" has sparked a lively debate in the comments, so perhaps this video instructional on making a "Smörgåscake" (submitted by Marcus B.) will help.

Just kidding; it won't. But if you want to see a guy yelling instructions in "Swenglish" and violently throwing ingredients around, then it's pretty funny.]

Easy, Cheesy, "Beautiful"

Bakers, are you running low on flotsam? Is your curling ribbon on back order? Are you fresh out of teddy bears?

Well, never fear! There are plenty of handy flotsam stand-ins lying around even the most basic of kitchens to save you from actually decorating any of your cakes! Just check out these double-duty doers:

- Styrofoam cups

[Image removed at baker's request. Check back sooner next time. ;)]


Add a few fake flowers snatched off your break room centerpiece, and voila! Instant flower vase!

- The Dollar Store's Clearance Bin

Granted, you'll have to pop next door to Duffy's Dollar Doo-Dad Depot, but the options there are virtually limitless:

And you thought you'd have to learn how to pipe roses. [shaking head] Tsk, tsk.


Or, if your budget is tight, just raid

- your kid's toy chest:

The good news is this isn't ridiculous AT ALL.

'Course, if you want something edible, (spoilsport) you could always go with

- ice cream cones:

Just be sure to fill them completely with icing. Remember: any bite of chocolate chip cookie without a mouthful of frosting is a bite wasted!

Or, for those extra special occasions,

- a dog bone:

Yeah. Chew on that, birthday boy.

Or, "impending-hip-surgery-boy," as the case may be.

Thanks to Laura, Mrs. McCutie, Erica D., Lisa, Sarah G., and Seth F., who all have a bone to pick with these wreckerators. Preferably one in chocolate.

The Cake Wrecks Hangover Cure

[lowering lights]

[tiptoeing closer]

[whispering] Good morning, sunshine! Happy New Year. How's your head?

Oooh, that bad, huh? Well, I know you partied pretty hard this weekend, so we're gonna take today's post nice and slow and easy. Like a peaceful, breezy feeling. A sweet, cool, stomach-calming....

Oh.

Sheesh, what'd they frost that thing with, marshmallows and warm head cheese?

Hm?

OH, right! Sorry, sorry!

Aw, you're looking a little pale. You know what would help? More cake.
[nodding knowingly]

How convenient! The Oreos come pre-chewed!


Whoa, there, pal. You sure are sweating a lot.

Quick, take a look at this:

I'd say the fly died after seeing the moldy strawberry. What do you think?


Wow. I've never actually seen someone turn that shade of green before. Fascinating.


Well, listen. Maybe you shouldn't scroll down any further.


No, really, I mean it.


You really shouldn't be scrolling down here in your condition.


Or any condition, for that matter.


In case you haven't figured it out yet, this last cake is really, really gross.


Like, life-time-trauma level disgusting.


You're still scrolling.


What are you, some kind of sadomasochist?


I'm telling you, this thing is NASTY.


Well...


Ok.


But don't say I didn't warn you.


Last chance to scroll back!


Aaaand...


Prepare to squirm:

[yelling] The bathroom's the first door on your left! Happy New Year!


Anony M., Carissa S., Jessica, & Anony M., thanks for kick-starting my New Year's diet plan.

Cake After People

What would happen if every baker on earth...[dramatic voice]...disappeared?

This isn't the story of how they might vanish. It's what happens to the cakes they leave behind. This is just part of the journey that will take us to the future of once active bakeries, as well as haunting sites already devoid of taste. Welcome to earth, population: zero.

1 year

after bakers


An abandoned ring and silk flowers bear mute witness to the echoing loneliness...of desolation.

10 years

after bakers

In the depths of bakery windows everywhere, dust gathers. Icing crumbles. With no workers here to clean, once-sweet treats become deadly harbingers of disease.

Sun-bleached displays now resemble so much worn, waxy marble, making it impossible to distinguish what once was a timeless tasty treat.


Uh. Lot of alliteration in this half of the script, huh?

Sound guy: Alliter what now?

Never mind.

100 years

after bakers

Geothermal flash floods bring with them river rock and debris. Amazingly, the petrified pastries persevere.

Seriously? "Petrified pastries persevere?" Who wrote this?

sound guy: I think it was the new guy; he had to finish up when Jerry took leave. Look, just go with it; we're on a roll.

[sigh] Fine.

In dank, darkened displays, filthy, festering folds of fondant mask the moldering malformed mess, made more malignantly misshapen in much...

[throwing script down] Oh come on!!

sound guy: What?

I'm ad-libbing from here. Deal with it.

sound guy: Ok, but you're telling Jerry.

Fine. Let's wrap this up.

10,000 years

after bakers

Yeeeeee-haw!

Come and get it!!


sound guy: Seriously?

Seriously.

Hey Carly T., Tom H., & Clair W., did you know that all these displays are for bakeries still open for business? Seriously.

Santa's Little Inept Helper

[shop bell tinging]

"Hello, I'd like to register a complaint."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir. What seems to the problem?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is, my good man: I came in here yesterday to enlist your services in procuring my daughter's Christmas gifts. I even gave you her list:

"Yes, yes, very good. And?"

"And the presents you provided were severely substandard."

"Surely not!"

"I should say so. Just look at this doll you sent over:

"Ah, lovely doll, the Cindy Yella, isn't it? Beautiful blue skirt."

"It appears to be made of tentacles."

"Those add texture."

"And you spilled your coffee on it."

"That was there before."


"I see. And what about this 'bike'?"

"What about it?"

"I stated very clearly that my daughter is six years old, and wanted a tricycle."

"Yeah, but it looks cool on the ketchup and mustard smears, dudn't it?"

"So I suppose you thought jamming an entire deck of playing cards into icing looked 'cool' as well, did you?"

"What if I told you that wand magically cleans off all the icing?" [wink]

"Oh, does it?"

"No.

But it might."

"You just said it wouldn't."

"But it might."

[staring]

"Fine. Now, would you kindly explain this?"

"It's a puppy."

"It's a dead dog."

"Puppies are dogs."

"But it is DECEASED."

"No, no, he's just resting!"

"Resting? RESTING?!?

****

Say, you ever get the feeling we've said this before?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"Huh."

"Huh."

****
"You...uh... wanna grab a cup of coffee?"

"Ooh, let's!"

Thanks to Mindy S., doctorhj, Yael, Stephanie, & Laura K., who agree that dead puppies aren't much fun.

Watch Your Step

George: "Clarence..." [clutching stomach] "I still don't feel so good."

Clarence: "Well I told you to be careful. I mean, what were you thinking?"

George: [groaning] "I don't know! It was just all so good! "

Clarence: "You should have stopped after that bowl of nuts. Or the box of raisins. And I wasn't going to say anything, but that third martini wasn't the smartest thing, either. "

George: [whimper]

Clarence: "And then you just had to go for that bowl of maraschino cherries, didn't you?"

George: "Sorry."

Clarence: "Yes, well, that's all fine and good, but who's going to clean this up?

"'Cuz I don't need the wings that bad."

Thanks, Anyaa D. You enjoy that fruitcake, now.

----------------------------------------------------

CCC Day #6

Operation Smile provides free surgeries to repair cleft lip, cleft palate and other facial deformities for children around the globe. Just $240 can pay for a surgery - so what do you say we try to pay for at least 20, guys?

Click here to donate your dollar.

Star Wars: The Next Generation

Remember Katie, the little girl with the Star Wars water bottle who's been unofficially adopted by every geek on the Internet? Well, in Katie's honor, tomorrow is Wear and Share Star Wars Day!

This is a day to rock your Star Wars clothing or accessories, and also to donate a Star Wars or other geeky toy to your local shelter or hospital. Cool, right?

Now, for this special occasion Jen has asked me, Number 1, to write a Star Wars themed post. What Jen doesn't realize (and what I'm not going to tell her), is that I've never seen Star Wars. Ever. But I've seen Spaceballs a whole bunch of times, so I figure this'll be no biggie.

Ok, so, the movie is set in space, "the final frontier", sometime in the future. Luke Skywalter is the pilot for the Star Ship Firefly.

("Oh I'm sorry, we don't make Star Wars cakes at this bakery, but we'll happily make you one with plenty of 'space'." [Yeah. Seriously.])

Skywalter has to save the beautiful Princess Leia from the evil grip of Dark Vader and his Terminators:

"We will destroy Hans Solo by playing checkers."

In order to get past all of the Cylons, Skywalter makes some friends with magical powers:

RD2D, CP3O, and Spider-Man.

RD2D, CP3O, and Spider-Man follow Luke to the planet Vogon. There they find a short psychic Muppet in a swamp:

Slimer.

Slimer tells Luke to "use the force," but Luke doesn't know what that means so he shoots him. (First.) Luke and his gang then go back to the Enterprise to fight Dark Vader and rescue Princess Leia. Again.

But the ship is now underwater, which makes it impossible to turn on their Life Savers.

Dark Vader thinks it's unfair that Luke brought friends to help him fight, so Vader calls a friend of his own:

Accio pixie power!!

But wait! Slimer pops up from the dead and casts lightning into Vader's helmet. Pew! Pew!Vader falls to the ocean floor, and Slimer says, "You killed my father; prepare to die!" Then he crosses the tachyon streams to open a wormhole which sends Vader back to Gozer.

Then Luke, Slimer, CP30, RD2D, Scully, Mulder, and Superman all run to rescue the beautiful Princess Leia a third time, and she proclaims her love for Luke:

And they all live together on the island until John Locke finds himself dead in the coffin.

THE END

Thanks, Amanda K., Anony M., Autumn P., Amanda N., Sarah, Jessica H., Ruth K., and Mattie T. And as the brown coats say, "Live long, and may the force be with you." So say we all.


UPDATE from Jen: Don't miss today's CNN article on Katie, with quotes from yours truly!

Wrecks of Plenty

According to Wikipedia, the cornucopia - or "horn of plenty" - is typically a hollow, horn-shaped wicker basket filled with various kinds of festive fruit and vegetables.

According to Wreckerators, this is a cornucopia:

Where "festive fruit and vegetables" = "neon holographic plastic flotsam bits."


And this:

"Is that a vomiting tornado in your cart, or are you just sorry to see me?"

I refuse to believe this next one is anything other than a pile of tiny Wizard hats:

How many tiny Gandalfs had to die for this cookie cornucopia cake, huh? HOW MANY??

Fortunately, some of you knew better than to order a cornucopia cake. You ordered one of these lovely turkey ice cream cakes, instead:

So at least you have that to look forward to.

Heh. Aheh.

[keep scrolling]

Heh.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you still have an appetite? Here, let me help you with that:

Just think, "Charred and slimey." Thaaat oughta do it.

So in conclusion, tomorrow, remember to:

"Goble Goble,"

and:

But only one. Times are tough these days.

A very special "thank" to Diana T., Pam M., Sarah H., Tracy B., Sarah B., Linda S., & Emily G. (You guys will have to share.)